Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My cat gives me a boner
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
