i think my mom watched the whole time
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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