ya dads aren't the best wingmen
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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