Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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