I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
