I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
