My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
