yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
