If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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