just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
