hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
