I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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