textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
