is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
