I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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