im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
