its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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