So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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