I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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