It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need a beard to bite.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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