dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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