walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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