Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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