shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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