i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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