chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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