just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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