you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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