so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
