On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
