What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So apparently I’m into choking now
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