I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
