I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
