Apparently you make a good broom.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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