It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
