Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
