I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
