Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
