I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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