I CAN MOONWALK!
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
