When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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