I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
