Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
