i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
