Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
