The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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