Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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