i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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