I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
