She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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