Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
